Ding Dong

What a wonderful time. I’m back in Aachen. I am off to go see Rene as he is playing tonight. I am sure he has the best of soul under his arm. In the mean time, enjoy the views.

Where Eurostar may take you

Aaahhhh… fate brings me back to England. What can I say? I took the last Eurostar here. This is not a job hunt trip but well… some trips have the consequence of getting back to the same place from one time more to an unlimited number of times, maybe… It is pretty cold in here but the place where I am staying has a really nice heater and the place is really cozy and warm and it is so well located that I think Tom must have sold his soul to get it. I didn’t plan to hit the island this weekend, but in the good name of spontaneity and giving a try to something that might be as well a super awesome time (something like when you were not planning to go out, but a friend convinces you of a drink or two and you end up having a bombastic time)… why not. I had some pounds left from the last trip anyways.

I feel so cold outside that I don’t even consider going shopping and anything that is not my comfy sleepers is hard to get on my feet. Tom is coming back from work around 8pm and we might hit a pub after eating something. I must say it is a consolation that no one here smokes inside because even if today it has been easier not to think of my smoking, when people smoke in my face it is really a challenge and I am making sure no hard drink is on my reach (I still haven’t heard anything about Tuesday night, so I am a bit concerned now that I have made a total ass my myself and people will no longer talk to me).

I don’t know what the plan is tomorrow, but who am I kidding… when have I planned anything anyways? I barely keep an agenda to respect my agreements with other people… Maybe I will call some friends… maybe we will have a quiet weekend full of gallery visiting.

It is funny to be back in London, the Mecca of hot bankers, after such a short period of time. The time before last I was here was such a long time ago, and now I am here again and it is a bit confusing to realize that actually I know more people in London than in Aachen. I know more people in Amsterdam than Aachen. I know more people in Zürich than Aachen. I know more people in Brussels than in Aachen. I know more people in Prague than in Aachen. I know more people in Budapest than in Aachen. I know more people in Dublin than in Aachen. I know more people in Cairo than in Aachen. I know more people in Dubai than in Aachen. I know more people in Singapore than in Aachen. I know more people in Shanghai than in Aachen. Even in Sydney I know more people than in Aachen. So the question is becoming what the hell am I doing in Aachen?

I wanted to stay somewhere for some years and as I am in Aachen the plan automatically became to stay in Aachen or somewhere close by, but it was my friend Rolf who asked me: Why not to stay somewhere else? There is nothing hooking me to this city. Initially I thought of other German cities, but now I am thinking… why not somewhere else? If it is true that my naturalization is in process, it is also true that I am not so random that I won’t care about feeling like no one gives a crap about me all the time, and I must say I am feeling pretty lonely in that town in the last month or two and anyone that has tried to live in Germany (Turkish and Russians don’t count) knows how long it takes to get acquainted to a group here, never mind until someone actually takes you as a part of their life. Staying somewhere is staying somewhere independently from where.

I mean I don’t even know what I will do the next week that Saul is away.

On other news I spoke to Petroula. She is coming to visit me very soon! I am so happy about it because Gosh… I just really need someone that I feel close to me now. We will have so much fun. I have started organizing a small party and going out for when she is around.

Oh well… Tom is almost here. I will go get pretty.

Day 1

Alright. Day 1. Didn’t smoke.

Since I know I have quit smoking I feel like smoking even more. Smoking came to my mind often, since earlier… especially I know most of the time I am alone and I could do whatever I want. This relatively small situation is slowly turning into a discussion about ethics, morals, health and even honor in my own head. Often think I had planned to stop on December 1st and it is not December 1st yet, but I recognize it as a silly excuse to smoke. I could go across the street and buy a cigarette box, but no… I am resisting it for myself. I was out with some friends and as everyone was smoking, I didn’t smoke. When they offer me to smoke it is hard to say no, it is like the old smokers around me didn’t want me to quit. They give very skeptical answers and looks at my rejections of their fags. I didn’t drink either. Physically my stomach feels like at the end of St. Patrick’s, then I stopped drinking for months.

Where did time go?

I didn’t speak long enough to any of my friends to know if I have done something retarded or not or even said something retarded. I apologized to most of them just in case or the very least for any inconvenience and I haven’t heard any special remark, but I just realize I miss a chunk of time because my flatmate complained about me waking him up when arriving early in the morning. I didn’t know he noticed when I arrived, but he said he heard me coming in at 6.30pm. My last recollection of time from that night was a bit over 2am, after I quit smoking.I found some more squabbling on my agenda that makes no sense. This had never happened to me before. It is awful.

Silver Lining

A silver lining has come through. I got a call to be interviewed for a job here in Aachen. I really needed not to be automatically rejected for once! A new question did come to my mind: Why am I sticking to Aachen? The question is not coming from the curious source that is eager to discover a new country, but from source that wonders what am I gaining from sticking here rather than in… Hamburg. Will think about that for a while. But in the meantime hooorrrray!

Juan

Look at this. He is a man blessed with a rare commodity nowadays: Love. You can see it spilling of his eyes. The surprise on his face, all the tenderness. One of the people that truly marked my life. We used to kick everyone’s ass as a team on trivia and basketball (even if I must say at basketball I was more of an obstacle and even scared him once). He has a wonderful wife and now a beautiful baby girl. How not to wish them anything else but more of the same. Congratulations Juanjo!

On quitting smoking

From Rock to Sobs

My New Friends

So the purpose of writing on this blog is to write honest thoughts, and you know me well, when things are like crap I am not afraid to say it. Things are like crap at the moment.

Worry not as I am not fully covered in negativity, not completely, just a little bit. I am writing in that awful state we call hang over. It is by far one of the worst in history. It took me a very long time to move out of my bed and gather the courage to feel it. I am feeling pretty sick. There are a couple of gaps in my memory that I am sure my friends will cover sometime soon. Roman and Matze walked me home (which means I didn’t do anything mean to them), I remember Knut and Dominika (Das Geburtstagskind, the birthday girl that invited me to celebrate at her place) being kind to me as usual and I don’t have the feeling I have done or said anything too terrible to anyone as a matter of fact.

Far from all the crazy adventures, I must say I am really starting to care and appreciate these people as dear friends. I met them by chance and under absolutely random circumstances, but now, some months after, each and every single one of them has had a really amazing gesture towards me and shared a bit of who they are. Maybe I should tell them that: Guys, some months ago I would have never thought I would still be stuck without a job in this town, but you have been really awesome. I am grateful you invited me into your lives and that you accept me as mad as I am. You make this time of failure bearable and the nights with you rock.

Look at the drunk writing… Maybe we will go through many things… from Rock to Sobs!

Healthy Choices and the Brotherhood Pact

I should take it easier though, when the lovely Dominika asks me again: Alles gut bei dir? (Everything ok with you?). I should give the situation a thought and walk myself home and away from the madness I create for myself. I should see that I cannot drink as much anymore. My body is not as strong anymore. In the past I didn’t even get hang overs.

Last night I had a random action or two, but nothing that my good friends won’t forgive, I hope. Something I didn’t do last night, was smoking. I quit smoking last night as a matter of fact. Yes… four days too soon. WHAT!? I know… As Roman and I were playing some music the count of my days to quit came up. He turned around and said: It would be so cool if you just quit now! – I have no clue who the hell I am trying to impress but I opened my purse and gave him my cigarettes and my lighter. We shook hands and he picked a date to quit himself. Actually, in the date we meet for him paying on his bet over my quitting he will quit himself. I see this as a brotherhood pact. We have put it on his phone and scribbled all over my agenda.  What I didn’t take into account though was that he would then open the box and light a fag on… and then the pretty goal turned into reality. Who is stupid enough to quit smoking in the middle of a party? The craving started and I drank instead of smoking and here we are now, with an awful hang over on top of it all.

On not being able to struggle

I hate self pity. I think feeling sorry for your own ass is useless, so I try to avoid it.

Usually after a party I will wake up with the sweat memories of fun, but this morning there are memories missing and I woke up feeling sorry for myself which made me mad at myself too. I felt like smoking, but I did remember my brotherhood pact with Roman, so I called my good old friend Rolf to cry a bit and I started writing. I like to call Rolf and Cornelia when I need a dose of perspective, and I don’t want to bother my new friends with this state of mine. As few as possible should come out harmed out of a day like today.

What can I say? If I had balls to be kicked, I’d say life is kicking me in the balls with all it has. Figuratively, I like to think I have the balls for whatever I want, but it is becoming harder to find optimism, not to judge myself, to believe in myself, to feel beautiful, to feel good at anything or for anyone, to find the strength to go through all those insignificant things that have to get done, to keep going not looking back. I like to think I am going through a strike of bad luck, but my current life situation is starting to get to me.

And the problem is that there is no progress… as the people in my life keep coming and going and actually doing something with their lives I am here, stuck. People are moving, getting jobs, starting families, investing in their future, meeting the love of their life and I am… stuck at exactly the same point I was in August 2007. Yes, my life moved a bit forward at that point… I had a job in a big company, moving to a wonderful country and having the coolest relationship ever, but then in January this year things went back to square one. The big company decided not to do my work permit anymore, my relationship collapsed and I decided to come back to Germany because it is the place I could think I belong. That was eight months ago, when I was naïve about the credit crunch and I thought with all I had done I could get a job wherever I wanted in no time. It was a German minister who said: Plan until reality bites in your face. Especially if I compare myself with my AI team I feel like a total loser. I am almost sure I am the only person who doesn’t have a job, they all found new passions.  Maybe I had it easy all along until this point.

The ridiculous amount of hobbies I acquired in these months to keep my mind busy are not doing it anymore. I have made some radical choices in the last months but I start to feel lost… lost in my way to greatness. I wake up to create every day something to look forward to. There is nothing to look forward to and I am losing my sense of direction. There is no movement. It is all stagnant. No progress… no achievement. An Inbox full of rejection. Living on a minute by minute basis avoiding… this.  And I know what I am doing now doesn’t help at all for the job hunt, it doesn’t pay my bills, it won’t make me feel like someone gives a shit but for some silly reason it is the only thing I manage to do. I thought of calling Matze earlier to catch some air, drink some coffee and reboot, in a last attempt to avoid this state of mind but it is too late to reboot. Tomorrow, hopefully, I will be back in my shoes as my loved Arthur would say… ready to keep struggling with the struggle.

Today, as I am feeling like crap and misunderstood in every possible sense (my body is getting pay back for my idiocy), it is cold outside, the heater doesn’t do much in this empty flat and it doesn’t really matter how much I remember or even get reminded of the good things I have done, or the people I have inspired… Today the chick that did all that seems to be someone else. Today I would need a hug but there is no one I’d dare asking.

Astaire and the good ol’ days

The Story of a Quiet Night Home

Pirate Investment Banking

Today is another morning of violent awaking. Such salvage treatment makes me wonder why I don’t produce a ridiculous amount of noise as I am coming home when he is the one sleeping, but I actually try to be as quiet as possible not to be noticed on the room besides. I have decided I am inviting all my friends over when he is gone in the next few days. My still increasingly annoying flat mate’s mania with that vacuum cleaner continues and makes me remember last night, or actually, just earlier in the morning.

Last night as I found out that Somali pirates are considering buying Citigroup offering $.10 per share (with the money they got from hijacking a Saudi oil tanker) and that on the same day Goldman Sachs agreed to a merger with the Citigroup (Insane times are these times!) I was ready to do nothing for the night, because lately I have too much money and I am donating it to charitable organizations instead of parties (this is at the moment as unreal as banking pirates would have sound to everyone some weeks ago giving the brokenness caused by my unemployment). I had been working most of the day on several concepts I still need to develop, reading the magnificent book that arrived to my doorstep few days ago and spent some time watching comedy shows Roman and I would swap during his breaks as he is embarked fully on the crusade of graduating. Roman was considering attending a party later on, which got confirmed after the call of some friends and suddenly there I was, saved from boredom by Mr. Drums on my way to rock on. I think I am simply unable to reject a good night of fun. Let it snow if it must! I put on the clothes that best suited my mood (which wouldn’t mean they would suit the weather in some hours and that my shoes wouldn’t later on be insulted) and some minutes later, we were on our way.

The NAFTA Hug

It is funny how continental madness transcends… yeah, oceans. To explain such a random comment, I have to make a clarification: As a 100% pro-integration expatriate, I have learned each and every language of the places I have lived in (including a bit of Gaelic). This means that I do speak German, very decently as a matter of fact; Still I am not able to portray emotions (or being funny) with the precision I would like to and conversations for prolonged periods of time, tiredness, the consumption of alcohol and other materials, noise or several Germans speaking at the same time while using dirty slang from different places in Germany make it impossible for me to actually do anything else but using all my focus to follow a conversation (when there are maybe three going on), which will lead me to boredom, doodling in napkins, compulsive texting, solitary playing and eventually installing myself in Maria’s world. So yes, you guess right, many nights out with the German friends (they are very kind to speak English very often but I would never ask them to do it continuously or amongst themselves) involve all the factors that stop me from understanding anything at all and I end up more often than I would like to, moving to Maria’s planet. Yet, I am still trying and it takes longer and longer for all the symptoms of “I am not a German speaker” to appear. As a matter of fact, I have learned all sorts of expressions involving the word “ass”, not all of which have a negative connotation and other interesting language deformations like “Mucke”, the German slang for music that is nothing but a fly in Dutch. What a freaking mess!

So you can imagine my excitement when Roman and I pick up his friends and the friends of his friends and I hear English with a Northamerican accent. I encountered for the first time in months, people that wouldn’t laugh at me drinking pop, getting stuff in the trunk, getting some gas, etc. There were two Canadians on board. One from Calgary and one from Toronto… Michelle, Brodie, Lanchanie and so many other nice Canadians came to my mind. The Canadian democratic way! The Canadian politeness! Maple syrup! Yes! Canadians know that Mexico is not in South America, but in North America! We sail the same ship! We signed NAFTA. So much Northamerican fun with an extra kiwi on board… give it enough drinks and smokes to have a NAFTA Hug in the dance floor. That is a whole load of fun.

The Beat Flows

Another interesting part of the night was directly related to the music. It doesn’t happen every single time, but there are times, in which you feel the music is coming out of you instead of in you and it is a pretty amazing feeling. The beats of the music coming out of those huge speakers creating that tingling feeling all over your body… I could just close my eyes and dance to it. Fantastic! At some point as we were dancing hand to hand, I could see the rhythm in hour hands flowing through our arms, creating waves… All together with the stroboscope (this time not caused by an electric shock), the smoke, the intoxicating air of a place where many people are in movement, a good new bunch of new fantastic people that are having a blast… imagine, all this in a place that used to be a freaking bunker. How cool can it get!? No, I did not take any mushrooms, even if we are all very aware in this area of the world that they will be illegal from the same day I quit smoking. The feeling of the music, the people and the place were simply fantastic.

“Don’t worry honey, I forgive you”

What you just read, was the first greet I received from someone after I had just introduced myself. We had been trying to reach this dude all night long to come join us, so I was pretty curious to see who it actually was. When in the middle of a crowded place and on the way to get my purse I said – Hey X! Maria. Great you finally made it. I will get my purse and be back in a second – I extended my hand and he said – Don’t worry honey, I forgive you – I was amused, confused… it took me a few seconds to get over the initial “that dude who I just met honey’d me! How cheeky!”  Shock and to find the humor in the situation. It would not be the last snappy or interesting comment I would hear from that fellow that night. It seems he is one of the people that simply says what he is thinking the moment it comes to his mind which gives him an air of coolness. Actually, being the son of a Colombian woman and speaking Spanish fluently, he turned out to be sharp and a really funny (a different kind of humor) – caring of his girlfriend man.

I am just thinking of all the crap I had to come up with together with other collaborators to decide what is the best way to get a girl’s attention and this dude had simply and in the most natural way done it “Don’t worry honey, I forgive you”. Imagine, if a dude hits you by mistake in a club and he tells you he “forgives you honey”…Or you find the humor in the situation thinking the cockiness is a turn on or you slap his face for being fresh but it is definitely a memorable one, it is possibly the phrase combined with the recklessness he says it with, like you were no one and he would do you the favor to talk to you. I had the chance to observe how he used this “I forgive you” thing with other people and in other languages… it translates. Take note.

Yeah! Let it rain! Let it snow!

I for some stupid reason forgot that I am living in the winter in northern Europe, and that even if the day is not cold that doesn’t mean that it cannot rain or snow any moment. Yes, when I left my gaf that top with the leggings and the shoes seemed like a great idea but when we left the club I was in the most literal way freezing my ass off. I was still looking hot to my personal opinion so I cannot complaint. I for many years now only let myself complaint about the cold when it is cold and period, but if there is snow the climate gets excused and receives no swearing. As we were leaving the club everything was white. It was the first real snow of the year, which means I behave like a kid. I cannot help it. But there are things that never change as Roman and I proofed that I still can’t make snow balls or throw them properly to any direction, which means any four year old in the area would kick my ass in a snow fight.

Now I am curious

It wasn’t long after leaving the club that my switch went off. It was 6am, my legs were suddenly weak, I was extremely cold my eyes were hard to keep open and so I decided to use the last of my energy to walk my frozen Latin tooshie home through the white streets of Aachen. I passed out immediately.

But the Colombian German dude left something in my mind. He said I would wake up with curiosity of what would have happened if I had stayed, and yes as I woke up to the sound of the vacuum cleaner a question came to my mind: What would fifteen free flowing souls end up doing in a town like Aachen from 6 to say… 8am? I shall find out. The night was just so much fun that the cold was soooo worth it! Oh yes…  those nights in which you plan to stay home and a friend gets you out of the static state are the best. Always.

Isaac Mizrahi: Fashion, passion and about a million other things

“As little comfort as possible is a good thing. If I do one thing all the time I get very very bored, I get bored very easily. I don’t say I do everything well, I just say that I do a lot of things and that’s all, and I try to kind of not look back. Except that I think that is what staying up every night is about, you know, looking back and thinking “what a fool you made of yourself!” but I guess that’s ok, because if you do many things you get to feel lousy about many things, and you don’t master to feel lousy about one thing.”

Airport Scenes

Airports… full of very emotional scenes if you know what I mean. People saying hello and good bye everywhere. They kiss, they hug, bring flowers, but to be truth, most of the time not me or people I know are part of such scenes. We tend to go unnoticed from place to place. No one waits and we just make our way to the city to do whatever we have to. But in JFK things were different one day.